14 Thoughts I Had While Licking Envelopes
1. I can’t remember the last time I licked an envelope… do they always taste this bad? I think this one is unusually bad.
2. Not-so-lucky recipient Besty Maas is going to slide her finger between my dried saliva. I apologize, Besty.
3. One time my grandparents bought me stationery that I took with me to sleep away camp. I liked writing letters home because those envelopes tasted good. I wondered if they purposely flavored the envelopes. That seemed smart but unnecessary. I wondered if I was imagining this especially good flavor. I consulted my fellow campers and experienced envelope lickers. You’re right. It does taste extra good.
4. Is it just me or am I getting weird looks? Sticking your tongue out at work and licking something doesn’t seem to be very professional. Not even business casual. I hope I don’t look like I’m trying to be sensual. Oh God. Lick as unsensually as you can.
Stone face licker.
5. These envelopes seem acidic. Maybe they are old. Maybe I’ll die like Susan does in Seinfeld. Now that I’m sitting here licking, I realize just how realistic that plotline was. Profound.
6. Okay, maybe I won’t die, but I could see these puppies doing some major damage to my immune system. Where is the nearest pharmacy? Doctor’s office? Hospital?
7. At what point in my life was the adhesive seal invented?
8. Don’t bring the envelope to your mouth too fast or you’ll cut your tongue. One time someone told me a story about a girl who sliced her tongue on an envelope. And a mama bug had just layed bug eggs on the envelope and then the bug eggs fell inside the tongue slice and in a few days the girl’s tongue was swelling up because the bugs were trying to hatch out of the tongue. I imagine lumps. Tongue coated jumbo caviar.
9. At what point in this process will my tongue run out of saliva?
10. Extra saliva can be seen through the paper once the envelope is sealed in the form of slightly-browned swishy lines. I hope that dries. I hope the recipient of this envelope isn’t too important.
11. What if I launch saliva at the envelope and don’t actually touch tongue? That works.
12. The envelope is a strange design. It employs more senses and body parts than most household objects. I mean, c’mon! There is a whole strip specifically designed for the tongue. How many times do you use your tongue in a daily activity not involving food, toothpaste, or kissing (if you’re lucky)?
13. Done.
14. Stamps?
